Wino wisdom

 Some of these are really pretty funny.

• “The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The drunk says, 'Are you gonna drink that'?"
• “I tried drinking myself to death. Now I have to get my health back just so I’ll have the strength to jump in front of a bus.”
• “The damn wagon’s too crowded anyway.”
• “I used to drink to get drunk. Now I just get friend-shot-buying stupid.”
• “Did you just say that or did I?”
• “The drinking will continue until you show a dramatic improvement in attitude.”   Sandy T., 28, addressing her “uppity” liver at the Cockpit Lounge.
• “She spilled a beer on me. That’s foreplay.”
• “I used to live to work. Then I worked to live. Then I worked to drink. Now I must drink to work.”
• “We’ve had enough to drink. Now let’s have too much.”
• “There’s only two people in this town that I hate, and you’re both of them.”
• “Bar stools are like prostitutes. And if you think one belongs just to you, you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of heartbreak.”
• “I was in Hollywood a long, long time. I was on the verge of making it too, but some cocksucker stole my shopping cart and I was back to square one.”
• “Things are a lot more like they used to be than they are now.”
• ”No wonder you were sick—look at all the puke you swallowed!”
• “Either I’ve fallen down or you guys have turned into giants.”
• “The jukebox is the drunkard’s fireplace.”
• “My wife never knew I drank until I made the mistake of coming home sober.”
• “I’m drinking to get a hangover so I’ll have something to do during my day off tomorrow.”
• “Behind every good man, there’s a bartender in front of him.”
• “Sure! What’s in it?”  Troy B.’s rather optimistic response to a bartender’s request of, “You wanna get the hell out of here?” at Club 404.
• “I was merely trying to appreciate the perspective of the snake.”   Unnamed patron at the Leisure Lounge, explaining why she was found laying under a pool table.
• “That’s so tasty I’d drink it right back down if it were to come back up.”
• “I once got so drunk I woke up in a tree. Which wasn’t so bad, except the tree was in a different state than I started in. I call that being ‘Cross-Country Tree-Climbin’ Drunk.’”
• Patron: “I’ll have an extra dry Tanqueray martini on the rocks with a twist and when I can’t say it any more, don’t bring me any more.”
  (5 drinks later)
  Patron: “I’ll have a Tanqully moonton wit wockers.”
  Bartender: “You can’t say it, so you can’t have one.”
  Patron: “Okay, I’ll have a scotch and soda.”
• “I love to drink and I love to sing. But most people like to hear me drink.”
• “Every morning I have to a make a decision—smokes or drinks. Cigs or forty ouncers. I tell you, alcohol is saving me from lung cancer.”
• "My daddy drank, grand-daddy drank, my goddamn great grand-daddy drank, and I'll be goddamned if I'm going to drop the ball now."

Here’s the cpmplete list.

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